Among the many commonalities between Abraham Lincoln and Mary Todd was the sad memory of being motherless at an early age.
Abraham Lincoln: Semi-orphaned at Nine
Nancy Hanks Lincoln died of the milk sickness, said to be from poisonous grasses that cows eat and disperse in their milk. Her aunt and uncle had been infected and died two weeks earlier.
Thomas Lincoln, poor, semi-skilled and uneducated was now left with nine year old Abe and eleven year old Sarah. Perhaps at a loss of how to raise young children, a few months after his wife’s death, Tom Lincoln left them in care of Dennis Hanks, his late wife’s 19-year-old cousin, and returned to his Kentucky boyhood home to seek out an old childhood playmate that had been recently widowed.
Wasting little time on romantic courtship, Tom Lincoln proposed marriage to the widowed Sarah Bush Johnston, with three children of her own. It may not have been a love-match, but it was a good match, and the marriage was a successful one.
A few months later, Lincoln returned with a new Mrs. Lincoln, three children (close in age to Abraham and Sarah) – and a wagon full of real furniture, including a bedstead, tables and chairs, linens and clothing. And a couple of books she had inherited. In short: a windfall. Sarah Bush Johnston remembered being greeted by two children badly in need of bathing – and mothering.
Sarah was a nurturing mother – and a good household manager. She took charge immediately, to the benefit of all.
Mary Todd: Semi-Orphaned at Six
Robert Smith Todd’s marriage to Eliza Parker had been happy and prolific. When Eliza died, it was giving birth to her seventh child (one had died at birth some years earlier). But Eliza contracted a puerperal fever and died shortly after baby George was born. Mary, the fourth little Todd, was only six years old.
The Todds were well-to-do, having property and a house in town. Her father, an attorney, was a state legislator and businessman as well. They had a household servant staff of at least six. And Grandmother Parker lived next door. Perhaps overwhelmed by six motherless children under twelve, Robert Todd left for Frankfort, the state capital, only six weeks after his wife’s death. Wasting little time on romantic courtship, he wooed Betsey Humphreys mostly by correspondence, who at 26, was bordering on spinsterhood, and not wildly enthusiastic about marrying a man ten years her senior – with six children! Eighteen months later, the two married, however.
More remote than nurturing, Betsey was greeted by stepchildren, none of whom were wildly enthusiastic about having a new “mother.” Nevertheless her marriage would be considered successful – and definitely prolific. She bore eight children who lived to maturity.
Stepmother and Stepson
From the moment Sarah Bush Johnston met Abraham Lincoln, there was a true affinity on both parts. She intuitively understood her new stepson’s sensitivity, and need to learn and grow. Tom Lincoln never truly understood his son, but easily bonded with his new stepson, John Johnston – who enjoyed hunting and fishing and the subsistence farming lifestyle.
Abe remained with his family until he was twenty-one and struck out on his own. It was Sarah who believed in him and encouraged him on whatever paths he chose to take. He would later say that Sarah Bush Johnston was arguably the most seminal relationship of his early life. She, many years later, after Lincoln had become Lincoln, would tell an interviewer that any time she asked her stepson to do something for her, he did it quickly and completely without argument.
Stepmother and Stepdaughter
The relationship between Mary Todd and her stepmother was chilly at best. It was chilly with all the “first family” children. Perhaps immediately inheriting six little Todds overwhelmed her. Perhaps her own personality was a cool one, and even later, with her own eight children, she lacked demonstrative affection. Nine pregnancies, of course, took a toll; she spent a good deal of her time in her room, nursing her “unwellness.”
Mary Todd was not the easiest child to raise, stubborn and emotional and given to tantrums. This was anathema to Betsey Humphreys, who had been raised to believe “it took six generations to make a lady,” and insisted on scolding that mantra into her four stepdaughters, none of whom were devoted to their new mother. Elizabeth, the eldest, married at sixteen – to escape her unhappy household. She was determined to rescue each of her three full sisters from their miseries.
By twelve, Mary was the eldest girl in the family that grew every year. Much was demanded of her, little attention was paid, and she couldn’t wait to get away. She boarded at her finishing school, which was only a mile from their house.
The Reflective Stepchildren
Time is always the great healer and leveler.
Mary Todd was indeed “rescued” by her sister Elizabeth, who at a young age became a core member of society in nascent Springfield, Illinois. Mary joined her sister’s household at nineteen, and like her sisters Frances and Ann, married and settled in Springfield.
Interestingly enough, when Mary became a wife and mother herself, she mellowed toward her stepmother and began to understand the challenges she faced. While they never became close, and no personal correspondence between them has ever surfaced, Mary’s attitude softened.
Lincoln never needed to mellow toward his stepmother. Even when money was scarce for the young attorney, he bought property for his father and Sarah to provide for for their old age. After Tom Lincoln died, his son made sure his stepmother was never in want. Their affections never wavered.
And the last personal visit AL made before moving to Washington, was to visit his aging stepmother, who sensed it would be the last time she would see him.
Sources:
Baker, Jean- Mary Todd Lincoln: A Biography – W. W. Norton & Company, 1989
Donald, David H. – Lincoln – Simon & Schuster, 1995
Helm, Katherine – MARY: Wife of Lincoln – Harper and Brothers – 1928
http://www.firstladies.org/biographies/firstladies.aspx?biography=17
https://rogerjnorton.com/Lincoln81.html
http://genealogytrails.com/ill/coles/news_lincolnfamily.html
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